BEN, MY ROOMMATE

by Eli
This letter was originally posted on the Kumah list serve.
Aug 1, 2002

In America we talk about making Aliya and living the Zionist dream. We talk about what life is like in Israel and what we can do to improve the situation here. We know the dangers of living in Israel, we know the horrible situations that occur day in and day out, and we know that they are an unfortunate reality to pursuing 'the dream.' Sometimes though, 'the dream' conflicts with reality. Such is the situation I find myself in today. It's 7:45 PM here in Jerusalem. I am sitting in my apartment listening to the Magnolia Soundtrack trying to make sense of what happened in the past 29 hours.

29 hours ago I had just returned home from Ulpan and a walk through Machene Yehuda. I got home and started doing my Ulpan homework when I heard a siren outside. I don't even know if it was a police car or an ambulance, but I got a horrible feeling in my stomach. I ran to the living room and turned on Fox News Channel and saw what the rest of the world was already watching. The destruction and carnage which came from a singular act of hatred and violence directed towards an innocent University cafeteria. I was glued to the TV for the good part of the next couple hours. In the back of my mind it occurred to me that my roommate Ben had a test at the Ulpan he was taking at Hebrew Univ. that morning. I decided to call his cell and find out if he was safe, but it went straight to voicemail and I figured he was fine. Another couple hours went by and the realization that Ben should have been home by now was becoming more and more apparent. But still, I didn't think he was actually hurt. As the hours of the day were rolling by, and with the knowledge that Ben had a 9:00 AM plane flight to New York this morning, I was starting to really wonder where the hell Ben was. Each call to his cell phone that went straight to voicemail made me more and more nervous. Maybe he was actually hurt; maybe he was lying in a hospital somewhere, with no one he knows around him. At about 8:00 I decided to start making calls to the various hospitals around Jerusalem. By 8:30 I was frustrated, I'd called each one 10 times and hadn't talked to a single person. Each call went from a computerized answering machine to voicemail. It seems that the hospitals were being swamped with calls. I decided to relax and not think about Ben, I still couldn't believe that anything bad had actually happened to him. My tranquility was short lived, no sooner did I switch the channel from FNC to some American comedy then the doorbell rang. Standing in front of me was Police Office asking if I was Ben. I shook my head no and told him in my best Hebrew that I had no idea where Ben was. I tried to explain that he was at Hebrew Univ. today and had't come home. The Police Officer just nodded his head slowly and explained that he was sent to our apartment to get some fingerprint samples from Ben's room. My heart dropped into my stomach. Dropping the pretext that I spoke Hebrew, I started asking him every question I could think of, but the Police Officer didn't speak much English, and didn't really know any of the information I wanted. He just kept trying to calm me down with the nod of his head. He didn't understand a word I was saying, yet he knew what I was asking him. In Hebrew he told me that I shouldn't worry yet, that he still might be fine. I understood him, but didn't believe him. Things started happening pretty quickly, I called my friend JJ and had him come over. Together we started calling each hospital again and again till we got through. One by one each hospital told us the same thing, no one with his name was there. After that, the phone started ringing. The American embassy, the Israeli embassy, the Pardes (the school he was enrolled in during the year), the Hebrew U security, newspaper reporters, my parents, my sister, friends, relative, everyone was calling. The news spread like wild fire, my roommate Ben Blutstein was missing. That was the catch phrase we used, Ben just hadn't come home from school yet. I refused to give up hope, Ben was not only still alive, but fine. As the night progressed hope was harder to find. I knew Ben wasn't packed for his morning flight, I knew if he didn't come home at all, than something was wrong. By 11 the phone stopped ringing and the real worrying started. The mood in my apartment changed from one of hope and worry to one of dread for that phone call from the Police. As midnight came and went, it was almost impossible to think he was going to be all right. The painful realization I didn't want to think of was no more a figment of my imagination; it looked like it would be the reality. At 2:00, my apartment was still awake, a couple friends decided to stay with me for the night. We were still waiting for that call, watching South Park. At 2:00 my third roommate called from Australia where he is teaching for the summer, he got a call from the Pardes, they told him the news. We went to sleep soon after that, without even a glimmer of hope left. Sleep was hard to come by, but I managed a couple hours, waking up at 8:30. I jumped online almost the second I woke up, I needed to see if anything had crossed the AP wires. Within a minute of signing on, my friend Sammy IM'ed me. He is from Harrisburg, PA, where Ben is from and confirmed what I already knew, Ben was identified a couple hours earlier. The comfort of the finalization surprised me. The night of wondering and hoping turned into a morning of mourning. A weird relaxation came over me, I was glad to finally know where he was. A new hope came through me, one in which I was glad he was in his final resting place. I was able to go back to sleep for a couple more hours. When I woke up again a couple hours later we watched more FNC and my friends had to leave. Thankfully I was only alone for under and hour, my friend Shira came over and spent the day with me. The comfort of being around other people was more reassuring than I would ever have imagined. We wasted the day away doing mundane things. It was more comforting than I could ever imagine. We walked into town, and helped me conquer my fear of leaving my apartment. I dropped her off two hours ago and headed home. Home, alone, for the first time since I first heard the news. Its weird, but at the same time, its empowering. Every time I walk by Ben's closed door I think of him. Every time I see his book in the bathroom or his food in the refrigerator I think of him. Sometimes ghosts can be comforting instead of scary.

Its now almost 9:00. 30 hours have gone by, and my life is forever changed. Be safe, and don't let this prevent you from coming over here.