Reflections after Nine Months written by Rachel Toaff

One month has passed-it has not yet sunk in. I check and re-check-is it real? Can it truly be? A casual observer can't see a thing-only I can feel it within, especially when I awake in the morning with a mixture of feelings, both discomfort and disbelief, that this process is truly underway. A calling from heaven, a primal need. I am tired. I am strong.

Two months have passed--- I want to believe in myself. I hear and hear again--- are you for real? Can it truly be? The casual observers see me and gawk---only those who have confronted this situation themselves can actually identify with me. I have begun to seek supplement, to take advantage of whatever is available in order to advance myself to a healthy state-of- being. To become more educated, in an environment designed for those who are in a similar situation. I am confronted with occasional headaches, but I feel encouraged, because I know that the heart within me has begun to beat. The sapling's limb buds can be seen.

Three months have passed--- my fluffy white perch in the sky has burst, and I must hit the ground running. I feel like I must be the first one in this situation. But countless have undergone this process before me… it is a matter of survival, and renewal. Part reality, and part miracle. If only the daily aches and pains wouldn't weight so heavily, and I would gather enough strength to face them with confidence. I find my emotions ranging from tears of sadness to a feeling of total joy. Whenever I doubt my ability to continue onwards, whenever I ask myself if my instincts have driven me astray, I am reminded by my inner-self and those around me that all of this is normal. Hard to believe that such a monumental change and all of the associated adjustments can be termed "normal." It feels like everything but…

Four months have passed--- I am more of a third of the way there. A third of the way to what, I ask myself… a third of the way in a change that will affect the rest of my life? I can feel the butterflies fluttering inside, and those who observe me from the outside can see that something about me is different. As good as it is to be different, however, all that I want is to be the same…. To internalize what is within hand's reach, and beyond, and emerge with what the perfect result. To be at once true to myself, and true to those around me. To finally materialize what, up until this point, has only been a vision in my head.

Five months have passed--- it's all starting to seem real. Even in my loneliest moments, I realize that I am not alone. I am part of something that is bigger than the life that pulses within my body, more enduring than the unfortunate who have been unable to continue living due to the circumstances of our mutual reality. I derive strength from those that are less fortunate than I, for I know that the opportunity I have to advance myself means that I am contributing to the advancement of the greater whole. Especially in these difficult times, the glow that arises from within must be given the opportunity to persevere and prevail.

Six months have passed--- although I am becoming increasingly more excited with the prospects that new life brings, sometimes the burden caused by the increasing weight in my life leaves me feeling drained. The knowledge that I will not allow myself to turn back means that seeking the path that will advance me becomes not only important, but essential.

Seven months have passed--- I find myself frustrated by those around me. When I arrive for a check-up, those who knew me previously greet me and express a total lack of understanding. It makes me realize, more than ever, that one who does not experience this process first-hand cannot internalize its implications. And, one who fears and avoids it, in my mind---fears the continuation of life itself. With all of the accompanying dangers and discomforts, it is clear to me that no other options exist, especially in this modern-day world, for the continual remolding and renewal of an ancient people.

Eight months have passed--- I am beginning to breathe easy, knowing that the end of the beginning is coming to a close. The challenges have become less challenging, not because they have changed, but because I as a person have become stronger. I take pride in my successes up until this point, but realize that the only way to continue succeeding is to stay grounded.

Nine months have passed--- I have eagerly awaited the arrival of this day, as the culmination of nine months of careful preparation draws to a close. I feel a mixture of excitement and nervousness, as no amount of planning can truly guarantee the success of the forthcoming stages. Only trust in myself, and the One above, can ensure that I will be able to succeed in nurturing myself and the life that springs forth as a result. I am strengthened by the knowledge that my devotion to thousand-year old principles during these trying days is the only way of ensuring that the next thousand years will be something worth living for.